Whew. Feels amazing to be human again. An entire week of living in hell with CVS. Didn't think I was going to see the "light" again and was actually afraid that I might have to go to the hospital. It was that bad!
I woke up Tuesday and got sick, but knew I had my first therapy appointment and could not miss it. My session went well and felt so much better(mentally). B asked if I wanted to go to mediation. I wasn't sick after the morning and told her "sure."
She had to run to the store and then home to pick up P. She made me the best damn cup of tea and I relaxed for a bit. My tailbone is sticking out again and asked P if he could check it for me. He couldn't adjust me as the RV didn't have the heater turned on. Most of the pain was from laying in bed for a week. If it acts up again, I will let him know. I keep losing weight and things are bound to pop out.
We hopped in the car and went to their business. In total, there were 5 people there. We began to mediate. I went in right away. I saw people dancing in colorful clothing, cake, a wall crash down, orbs of every color in the rainbow. The lead in my head was going to town! I saw a figure of a person holding a sphere above its hands. Colors dancing. It seemed to come up to the top of my head and down my body and that's when P turned the music off.
I told them it was like Cirque du Soleil on an acid trip. I've never seen/done either. It was weird, epic and amazing. I felt amazing, too. Like, I was hungry. I stood up and walked around and B said "I've been with this girl all day, she could barely walk and now look at her." It was seriously like night and day.P got up and grab a picture in a frame and asked if I had seen this person while I was meditating. I had not. I should of asked him who she was.
EJ asked if anyone wanted to grab a bit to eat and we all went to a local diner and grubbed. I had eggs, wheat toast and scrapple. It was the first meal I had in an entire week!
Last night, I had a long talk with him. I told him how sick I was. How he didn't even come upstairs to check on him. How I had to sit on my butt, slide down the steps to wake him up...five times! No more. I told him to set an alarm on his phone and wake himself up to go to bed. I got a lot off of my chest last night as he is the ones I talked about in my first session.
We also ran to Aldi to go food shopping last night.
Today, I did a load of laundry, recycling, made up his lunch, cooked dinner, took Mo for a walk and talked to Mama. It was a good day. I did wake up with a weird rash under my left eye. Doesn't hurt but have no idea where it came from. Ma thinks maybe from being sick for so long. Dunno.
I weighed myself. 131. FUCK!!!!
No worries though because I will gain some back. My weight goes up and down, especially when I am in a long episode.
I feel like I am forgetting something to say.......
Dunno. Oh well. 😂
You shouldn't ever have to wake him up. For anything. If he can't act like a grown-up, instead of a little boy, having his mommy wake him up for school every morning, or telling him when it's time to go to bed, then that's HIS problem. Let HIM figure it out. If he sleeps on the couch all night, so what. If he's late for work, so what. Those are HIS problems, not YOURS. He needs to grow up and grow a pair!!! Sorry, but he is starting to get on my nerves, because of his childish behavior around you, and towards you. Pretty selfish all around, if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to wake him. He sets his alarm on his phone now, so if he falls alseep, he gets up. I do enough around here. I am not his mommy. I put my foot down(you'd be proud) and I got a lot of other stuff off of my chest with him. Things have been good. I have been good. Therapy is helping.
Deletehaha! I found the comment section. It didn't have "leave a reply," until I hit the "1 comment" "section."
ReplyDeleteI think you should meditate, ask for guidance from the Universe on how you should proceed so as not to burn bridges, but maintain your boundaries with him. Does that make sense? Sometimes I don't know how I am coming across until I reread my writing like 50 times. (having the mental health symptoms I have, I've realized I have sounded like an asshole in ALOT of instances for over 4 decades. Especially with my tone of voice....which is usually just frustration for the current situation coming through....I think....maybe.) But seriously, ask for your mind-gut to guide you. I've ignored my mind-gut many times in the past and ended up with that yahoo abusive ex-husband of mine. And alot of other unhealthy relationships of beaus and friends. Alot of it was not knowing how to voice my boundaries and letting the others walk all over me and take whatever they wanted. Alot of it was voicing my opinion and my boundaries, but being a bitch about it....thinking angry guerilla grrl was the way to go. But I think most of it was just being inexperienced with who I was and not treating myself kindly....so how in the hell did I expect others to treat me with kindness and respect when I was always doing things to damage my body and fuck with my mind...and constantly not respecting my body and soul enough to stick it out and try to commit suicide? Am I making sense, or just babbling nonsense? I think being an only child with some socially awkward parents messed me up. I've often used the analogy (being a vet nurse) that I'm a pup who didn't get enough socialization. My mom was going through her own mental and physical struggles, and how was I supposed to understand, I was just a kid! My dad...well, he was being severely bullied at work and I saw those emotions from him when he got home. Add on to my plate the sexual abuse, assaults, and constant bullying from males and females, even before going into middle school....and I think I was pretty messed up for a "normal" kid. I wish we could hang out more on our well days. And take the boys to play....lol. I'd like to share more hints with you on stuff that I tried that worked and didn't work for me. But I think you should do some meditation, maybe a chakra clearing one and focus on that "mind-gut/body" connection. Allow those gentle nudges to lead you to your next step with your relationship with him. I think after Wayne and I broke up in 2009, and I moved out in 2010, being on my own until we "met" again in 2013 really taught me some terrific things about life. Of course I went back to work a bit in the mental health field as a peer specialist....that may or may not have been the best thing. But I learned alot about not judging and walking in other people's shoes. I hope you can make some sense out of this babbling....lol. Check out Insight Timer app. It's free, but is a big internal storage file. No SD card allowed. They just added some paid features. But the free part allows a timer meditation, and also to choose from over 8,000 different meditations in a whole bunch of categories.
So with that app that you mentioned, will that help with the mind-gut? I'm so new to this. I talked to P about it on the phone the other night. He truly believes I saw his guru(even though I didn't see a face) only hands. He asked what color etc. The wall crashing down made sense as I throw up "walls" to protect myself and I 'think' the colors that I saw were healing. Not sure if I could mediate on my own. I had the app Calm on my phone but it didn't seem to work. Couldn't get my brain to shut off. I wish we could hang more often, too. Hard cause I don't drive and you live up north. We have lots in common and I feel a connection to you. Hope that makes sense in a none creepy way lol. You can babble all you want. I understand where you are coming from. We're all a little/ a lot fucked up.
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