Unapologetically

New Year, new me.

FAIL

Did really well there for a couple of days and then found myself right back in my rut.

I'm talking about going to bed at a decent time.

I've been a night owl for well over 20 years.  Guess I am set in my own ways.

Plus...wtf do I have to wake up for early? I don't have kids, I don't have a job, I don't have any responsibilities other than being Cinderella.

When I was well, I couldn't wait to do my hair, put my face on and go out with friends to do things.  Now, I can't be bothered.  I am finding it really hard to want to leave the house. I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to get dressed.  I want to sit here and be left alone.

I do NOT want to people. At all. 

I don't recognize this person I am becoming/am.

Yesterday his friend was here setting everything up and I felt so embarrassed the way he was talking to me in front of D, that I excused myself and came to my room.

Things with you know who are like a roller coaster.  It's good for a bit, then he snaps and apologizes.  Then it's good again, I have a heartfelt talk and mention I don't like the placement of the new tv setup as it hurts my neck and he snaps again, and I resort to my room. <----that just happened this evening.

I wish I drove.  I'd pack up some things and Mo and head to my parents for awhile.  I think about that a lot.  I need a break.  I need to be surrounded by love.

All I do is cook, clean, laundry, dishes, trash, recycling, take care of the house, him and the dog. But, what about me? 

WHAT ABOUT ME????

A huge reason I stay up late at night is because of the silence.  It's so fucking quite. It's the time where I am not afraid if I am going to be snapped or yelled at. It's my "me" time.  I can listen to music and feel every fucking emotion that I please.  I can watch a show and giggle.  I can watch YouTube and be in awe of peoples talent.  I can watch the History channel online and geek out.

It's the time that I can be me.  

Unapologetically.