Here We Go...

Back story to this blog post.  I had written this on December 19th, 2017. I was sick and vulnerable.

Here we go...

I'm not one who shares personal stuff on FB and I am not looking for sympathy. You all know that I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I went to the doctor on the 7th for my 3 month check up. I lost more weight. I am now down to 133 lbs. I thought maybe, just maybe I had gained a few, but, deep down inside, I knew. I knew because my face is a bit sunken in, my collar bones protrude more than they did, my spine and ribs have no "cushion".

I am having more bad days than good. I had to deactivate my main FB page after the election. It all became too much. The hate filled posts really got to me. I used to be able to scroll on by, until scrolling on by no longer became an option. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a jet black hole. The hate filled posts, the chronic pain and CVS all became too much for me to bear. My plate of shit exploded and I found myself depressed. Really depressed. I sat up late at night and began to ask myself why am I even here. What was the point of continuing to fight this bitch of a disease. My mind would race, nonstop, as if 2,872 taps were open at all times.

I could not get the hamster off the fucking wheel! I was feeling anger, rage and sadness as the life I once knew so many moons ago, was taken away from me, and living as a chronically ill human was a tough pill to swallow. I am NOT living, I AM existing. I sat H down and told him that I am battling depression. To utter those words was like a knife to the heart. It is not something I wanted to admit, as I fought so fucking hard to change my life for the better and become a more positive person. But, I kept slipping further and further into the darkness. So, at my doctor appointment, I told her everything, and we are working on a plan that will best suit my needs. A few weeks ago at mediation, I saw my friend Matt and asked him if he saw anyone around me. I did not give him any details. He said he saw a grandmother. I asked for him to describe her, which he did. I knew instantly who he was talking about.

He said "she knows that you are going through a tough time right now and she has her arm, wrapped around yours and she said everything will be alright" And, I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. The person he described was my Nan. My Dad's mother. Never in a million years would I have thought it would be her, holding onto me, giving me the strength that I needed. Thank you again, Matt for that reading. You will never know how much hope you gave me that night. Thank you, Nan, for being by my side. I still need you, so don't you dare leave me. To my healthy friends, I'd like to say, do NOT ever take life for granted. Go out there and take life by the balls and make the most out of it. To my fellow spoonies, I understand. Sending you gentle hugs and healing vibes. I love you all so very much. Don't worry about me...Nan got me. And she is right, I WILL be okay!!