You Own It

Have a memory I'd like to share. After the 1st tumor was removed(I packed on 90 lbs from orally taking Prednisone as well as injections and poor eating habits, so I was obese at this point) I developed daily chronic headaches, endured four years of being a guinea pig and was pretty much bed bound as moving my head was not an option. It wasn't until Feb 2012 that they told me I was a candidate for an Occipital nerve stimulator. In March I had the surgery. My relationship failed and I moved back home with my parents, where I could recoup from the surgery. 

I wasn't allowed to lift anything over 5 lbs or even bend over for that matter for 2 months. My parents were amazing at taking care of me and Mowgli. In July, I got my very own apartment.They would come down to help me run errands or doctors appointments.  I was very self conscious about my stim. Any time I was in line at the grocery store, I would ask Dad if it was covered up. He always checked if I asked. There were a few times where it wasn't and I saw people looking at me like I was an alien. I can recall a time I busted out the inner child in me and said to someone "take a picture, it lasts longer" I remember a time that my parents picked me up and we went to JCPenney outlet. 

Mom and I were looking at the clothing. Dad was probably sitting on a chair taking a nap. I had already lost a significant amount of weight from vomiting but we still didn't have a diagnosis until the winter of 2013. The point is...I needed clothing. I need to stop rambling and get to the point.

Mama knows my style and she found a really cute shirt that she knew I would like. She called me over and one look at it and I was in full panic mode. It was a one shoulder shirt. The stim would be seen. No, Mom!!!!!  Why she asked. People will be able to see the stim. I'm seriously freaking out on the inside but trying to hide my poker face to her. She calls me out on it.  That's what Mama's do. They just know.

Danielle ____ ____ ____(when you hear all 4 names 1. you are either in big trouble or 2. she means business) "You own it" she said. And I knew exactly what she meant.

I tried on that shirt. I felt pretty in it. I bought the shirt.

Those 3 words forever changed my life.

Thank you, Mama!

From that day forward, I owned it. I began wearing off the shoulder shirts to show off my prized possession.

I am bionic. I am Dani Mite. I am me.

"I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies 

This is me"

ONS

1. March 2013 I had my surgery for the occipital nerve stimulator implanted.  I remember being in the recovery room and Dr. A coming in to check up on me.  I held his hand and cried.  I thanked him for all he had done for me as I was pain free. The first time in four years. He shed a few tears himself.

A couple weeks ago, I noticed that I wasn't getting a good charge.  Last week, I called the company and explained what was happening and they think the charging unit needed to be replaced, but warned me that it's a long process as it needs to be submitted through insurance.  I asked if she could email the paperwork to me(which she did) and I would print it out and fax it back.

1. Tuesday, B helped me do it.  My rep called me this evening.  He was asking questions and I was answering him back.  Since my remote had full bars, he doesn't believe it's the charger, but the implant itself.  *sigh*
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3. I told him of the major weight loss and how it sticks out a good 1.4"-1/2" out of my back.  He gave me the number to where the procedure will be done if I want it.  He said they would cut me open, remove the unit, replace it with a new one, put some stitches in it and I would go home the same day.  He said it's a simple procedure. Um, I don't know how I feel about that.  Surgery of any kind scares me as I have CVS and need special medications due to adrenal failure as well.  

So, for now, he said to keep an eye on the charge on the remote, clean the docking unit with rubbing alcohol and if  I want the surgery, that's always an option.  He also mentioned he would hate for me to get charged for the charger itself if that's not the problem.

I think I hit something and that's the reasons for the numbers showing up and I can't seem to get rid of them, so.......oh well.

When I had the surgery done in 2013, they wanted to put it in my lower back.  I did tons of research and found a women online that had it done under her shoulder blade.  I went to the drs office and told him that's where I wanted mine.  He said "I've never done one there before"

I told him how I thought it was stupid to put the ONS in my lower back and run the leads up into my head.  Having it under my shoulder blade on my back made much more sense.  And so, he agreed.

It's always a good thing to be your own advocate.  Let your voice be heard.

Therapy & Mediation

Whew.  Feels amazing to be human again.  An entire week of living in hell with CVS.  Didn't think I was going to see the "light" again and was actually afraid that I might have to go to the hospital.  It was that bad!

I woke up Tuesday and got sick, but knew I had my first therapy appointment and could not miss it.  My session went well and felt so much better(mentally).  B asked if I wanted to go to mediation.  I wasn't sick after the morning and told her "sure."

She had to run to the store and then home to pick up P.  She made me the best damn cup of tea and I relaxed for a bit.  My tailbone is sticking out again and asked P if he could check it for me.  He couldn't adjust me as the RV didn't have the heater turned on.  Most of the pain was from laying in bed for a week.  If it acts up again, I will let him know.  I keep losing weight and things are bound to pop out.

We hopped in the car and went to their business.  In total, there were 5 people there.  We began to mediate.  I went in right away.  I saw people dancing in colorful clothing, cake, a wall crash down, orbs of every color in the rainbow.  The lead in my head was going to town!  I saw a figure of a person holding a sphere above its hands.  Colors dancing.  It seemed to come up to the top of my head and down my body and that's when P turned the music off.

I told them it was like Cirque du Soleil on an acid trip.  I've never seen/done either.  It was weird, epic and amazing.  I felt amazing, too.  Like, I was hungry.  I stood up and walked around and B said "I've been with this girl all day, she could barely walk and now look at her." It was seriously like night and day.P got up and grab a picture in a frame and asked if I had seen this person while I was meditating.  I had not.  I should of asked him who she was.

EJ asked if anyone wanted to grab a bit to eat and we all went to a local diner and grubbed.  I had eggs, wheat toast and scrapple.  It was the first meal I had in an entire week!

Last night, I had a long talk with him.  I told him how sick I was.  How he didn't even come upstairs to check on him.  How I had to sit on my butt, slide down the steps to wake him up...five times!  No more.  I told him to set an alarm on his phone and wake himself up to go to bed.  I got a lot off of my chest last night as he is the ones I talked about in my first session.

We also ran to Aldi to go food shopping last night.

Today, I did a load of laundry, recycling, made up his lunch, cooked dinner, took Mo for a walk and talked to Mama.  It was a good day.  I did wake up with a weird rash under my left eye.  Doesn't hurt but have no idea where it came from.  Ma thinks maybe from being sick for so long.  Dunno.

I weighed myself.  131.  FUCK!!!!

No worries though because I will gain some back.  My weight goes up and down, especially when I am in a long episode.

I feel like I am forgetting something to say.......

Dunno.  Oh well. 😂

Unapologetically

New Year, new me.

FAIL

Did really well there for a couple of days and then found myself right back in my rut.

I'm talking about going to bed at a decent time.

I've been a night owl for well over 20 years.  Guess I am set in my own ways.

Plus...wtf do I have to wake up for early? I don't have kids, I don't have a job, I don't have any responsibilities other than being Cinderella.

When I was well, I couldn't wait to do my hair, put my face on and go out with friends to do things.  Now, I can't be bothered.  I am finding it really hard to want to leave the house. I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to get dressed.  I want to sit here and be left alone.

I do NOT want to people. At all. 

I don't recognize this person I am becoming/am.

Yesterday his friend was here setting everything up and I felt so embarrassed the way he was talking to me in front of D, that I excused myself and came to my room.

Things with you know who are like a roller coaster.  It's good for a bit, then he snaps and apologizes.  Then it's good again, I have a heartfelt talk and mention I don't like the placement of the new tv setup as it hurts my neck and he snaps again, and I resort to my room. <----that just happened this evening.

I wish I drove.  I'd pack up some things and Mo and head to my parents for awhile.  I think about that a lot.  I need a break.  I need to be surrounded by love.

All I do is cook, clean, laundry, dishes, trash, recycling, take care of the house, him and the dog. But, what about me? 

WHAT ABOUT ME????

A huge reason I stay up late at night is because of the silence.  It's so fucking quite. It's the time where I am not afraid if I am going to be snapped or yelled at. It's my "me" time.  I can listen to music and feel every fucking emotion that I please.  I can watch a show and giggle.  I can watch YouTube and be in awe of peoples talent.  I can watch the History channel online and geek out.

It's the time that I can be me.  

Unapologetically.

Things Are Looking Up

Decided to take a break from blogging for a few days to get my shit together.  I didn't want my space to be so negative and a bitch fest.  With that being said, things are on the up and up.

Yesterday, I met with Irene, who will be my therapist.  Things went so well.  My two main goals are 1. To have a purpose

2. Coping skills while in episodes/stress

I walked out of there feeling so much better about acknowledging that there is something wrong with me and also doing something about it.

Then I went to a women's group session with B.

Came home and did a bunch of things around the house and even made dinner.

It was a good day.  Even went to bed at a decent time.

Who the hell am I? 😂

Today, I woke up before my alarm clock as I had an appointment for a couple of x-rays, but we rescheduled due to the weather.  I then drank two cups of cappuccino and then hauled ass.

Stripped the beds, did three loads of laundry, made the beds, did the dishes, cleaned up my room, took care of the trash, fed the dog, let him out a million times, talked to a few friends on the phone and now here I sit, typing this out.  I am so tired and wiped out.

I may have overdone it a bit. 😐

Which only means that I am going to be going to bed at a normal time, again and that is exciting for me as I am a night owl who stays up all hours of the night and I want to change that.  I want to be that person who is in bed at a decent time and wakes up in the morning and gets shit done.

New year, new me is the goal for 2018. 😀

Ain't Your Mama

They say that silence is golden.  That would be true to a certain degree.  I'm in my head too much.  He barely speaks a word to be.  Yesterday I received a text asking me to do the laundry as he was out of work pants.  Just call me Cinderella, minus the prince.  I did all the dishes as I can not stand to see anything in the sink. And, he comes home and eats and leaves all his dirty dishes in the sink, after I had just done them all. UGH UGH UGH UGH.  Truth be told, I didn't even look to see if they were done.  Highly doubt they were.

Cleaned up the dog shit as well because he apparently thinks he is above cleaning up shit.  Took the recycling out because if I don't take that and the trash out, it will never get done.  Did I mention we still don't have a shovel?

A few days prior to Christmas, he went out and bought a 50" tv, mounting unit, speaker things and cable hiders and yet when I asked when the fuck he was going to get a shovel, his response was "then that's more money I have to spend."

I can't do stupid.  I really can't.  Last night when I was outside with Mo, the walkway was like a skating rink and we have no salt.  Because that would cost money to get as well.  So, if anyone walks down the pavement, falls and injures themselves, I ain't gonna be the one who gets sued.

And, today, he calls after works and asks what I am making for dinner.  The answer was nothing, because we have nothing to make.  The freezer is empty and I don't get my food stamps until the 16th.  Told him to eat soup. "I don't want soup." Don't know what to tell ya, homie.

I never did get a thank you for doing his wash.  I mean, I would thank the person, but that's just me.  I'm beginning to feel like this blog is nothing more than just a bitch fest.  Whatever.

Oh, I did paint my nails last night.  Haven't done that in a hot minute.  Felt good to do something little for myself.  Also took a hot shower today while jamming to Maroon 5 using the portable speaker thing that he got me for xmas.

So, yeah, that's about it I guess. J Lo got the right message...

The Daily #4

With how things are going, I am finding it very difficult to want to actually get out bed, brush my teeth and get dressed.  Seems like a huge struggle for me as of late.

So, I sat on the thought of going to mediation, while enjoying my cup of cappuccino. The logically side of my brain was telling me to go, while the fucked up part of my noggin was trying to talk   myself out of it.

But, I kindly told the fucked up side of my brain to fuck off and I got up and ready.

I went to mediation!! Sans makeup as I didn't have the strength or a single fuck to give about putting on my face.

I am overly sensitive to scents and excused myself from the group and went into the bathroom.  I was coughing so much and got sick, but, just a little bit.  I scarfed down a few of BD"s orange and cranberry vegan goodies.  If you are reading this BD, perhaps you could post the recipe.  I never tasted such a yummy vegan treat before. 😋

Came home and Mo was thrilled to see him.  He acted as if I was gone for an entire day.  He wanted to come up in bed with me and that's where he has been.  Glued to me.  Wouldn't have it any other way. 💘

Snacked on vegan Almond Milk Pudding and Lemon cookies. 🍪

Watched a bit of YouTube and created a set on Polyvore aka The Vortex.

Over all, it's been a good day.