Unapologetically

New Year, new me.

FAIL

Did really well there for a couple of days and then found myself right back in my rut.

I'm talking about going to bed at a decent time.

I've been a night owl for well over 20 years.  Guess I am set in my own ways.

Plus...wtf do I have to wake up for early? I don't have kids, I don't have a job, I don't have any responsibilities other than being Cinderella.

When I was well, I couldn't wait to do my hair, put my face on and go out with friends to do things.  Now, I can't be bothered.  I am finding it really hard to want to leave the house. I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to get dressed.  I want to sit here and be left alone.

I do NOT want to people. At all. 

I don't recognize this person I am becoming/am.

Yesterday his friend was here setting everything up and I felt so embarrassed the way he was talking to me in front of D, that I excused myself and came to my room.

Things with you know who are like a roller coaster.  It's good for a bit, then he snaps and apologizes.  Then it's good again, I have a heartfelt talk and mention I don't like the placement of the new tv setup as it hurts my neck and he snaps again, and I resort to my room. <----that just happened this evening.

I wish I drove.  I'd pack up some things and Mo and head to my parents for awhile.  I think about that a lot.  I need a break.  I need to be surrounded by love.

All I do is cook, clean, laundry, dishes, trash, recycling, take care of the house, him and the dog. But, what about me? 

WHAT ABOUT ME????

A huge reason I stay up late at night is because of the silence.  It's so fucking quite. It's the time where I am not afraid if I am going to be snapped or yelled at. It's my "me" time.  I can listen to music and feel every fucking emotion that I please.  I can watch a show and giggle.  I can watch YouTube and be in awe of peoples talent.  I can watch the History channel online and geek out.

It's the time that I can be me.  

Unapologetically.

Things Are Looking Up

Decided to take a break from blogging for a few days to get my shit together.  I didn't want my space to be so negative and a bitch fest.  With that being said, things are on the up and up.

Yesterday, I met with Irene, who will be my therapist.  Things went so well.  My two main goals are 1. To have a purpose

2. Coping skills while in episodes/stress

I walked out of there feeling so much better about acknowledging that there is something wrong with me and also doing something about it.

Then I went to a women's group session with B.

Came home and did a bunch of things around the house and even made dinner.

It was a good day.  Even went to bed at a decent time.

Who the hell am I? 😂

Today, I woke up before my alarm clock as I had an appointment for a couple of x-rays, but we rescheduled due to the weather.  I then drank two cups of cappuccino and then hauled ass.

Stripped the beds, did three loads of laundry, made the beds, did the dishes, cleaned up my room, took care of the trash, fed the dog, let him out a million times, talked to a few friends on the phone and now here I sit, typing this out.  I am so tired and wiped out.

I may have overdone it a bit. 😐

Which only means that I am going to be going to bed at a normal time, again and that is exciting for me as I am a night owl who stays up all hours of the night and I want to change that.  I want to be that person who is in bed at a decent time and wakes up in the morning and gets shit done.

New year, new me is the goal for 2018. 😀

Ain't Your Mama

They say that silence is golden.  That would be true to a certain degree.  I'm in my head too much.  He barely speaks a word to be.  Yesterday I received a text asking me to do the laundry as he was out of work pants.  Just call me Cinderella, minus the prince.  I did all the dishes as I can not stand to see anything in the sink. And, he comes home and eats and leaves all his dirty dishes in the sink, after I had just done them all. UGH UGH UGH UGH.  Truth be told, I didn't even look to see if they were done.  Highly doubt they were.

Cleaned up the dog shit as well because he apparently thinks he is above cleaning up shit.  Took the recycling out because if I don't take that and the trash out, it will never get done.  Did I mention we still don't have a shovel?

A few days prior to Christmas, he went out and bought a 50" tv, mounting unit, speaker things and cable hiders and yet when I asked when the fuck he was going to get a shovel, his response was "then that's more money I have to spend."

I can't do stupid.  I really can't.  Last night when I was outside with Mo, the walkway was like a skating rink and we have no salt.  Because that would cost money to get as well.  So, if anyone walks down the pavement, falls and injures themselves, I ain't gonna be the one who gets sued.

And, today, he calls after works and asks what I am making for dinner.  The answer was nothing, because we have nothing to make.  The freezer is empty and I don't get my food stamps until the 16th.  Told him to eat soup. "I don't want soup." Don't know what to tell ya, homie.

I never did get a thank you for doing his wash.  I mean, I would thank the person, but that's just me.  I'm beginning to feel like this blog is nothing more than just a bitch fest.  Whatever.

Oh, I did paint my nails last night.  Haven't done that in a hot minute.  Felt good to do something little for myself.  Also took a hot shower today while jamming to Maroon 5 using the portable speaker thing that he got me for xmas.

So, yeah, that's about it I guess. J Lo got the right message...

The Daily #4

With how things are going, I am finding it very difficult to want to actually get out bed, brush my teeth and get dressed.  Seems like a huge struggle for me as of late.

So, I sat on the thought of going to mediation, while enjoying my cup of cappuccino. The logically side of my brain was telling me to go, while the fucked up part of my noggin was trying to talk   myself out of it.

But, I kindly told the fucked up side of my brain to fuck off and I got up and ready.

I went to mediation!! Sans makeup as I didn't have the strength or a single fuck to give about putting on my face.

I am overly sensitive to scents and excused myself from the group and went into the bathroom.  I was coughing so much and got sick, but, just a little bit.  I scarfed down a few of BD"s orange and cranberry vegan goodies.  If you are reading this BD, perhaps you could post the recipe.  I never tasted such a yummy vegan treat before. 😋

Came home and Mo was thrilled to see him.  He acted as if I was gone for an entire day.  He wanted to come up in bed with me and that's where he has been.  Glued to me.  Wouldn't have it any other way. 💘

Snacked on vegan Almond Milk Pudding and Lemon cookies. 🍪

Watched a bit of YouTube and created a set on Polyvore aka The Vortex.

Over all, it's been a good day.

The Daily #3

I had a doctor appointment scheduled for today to get my lab results back, but, due to the weather, I called to reschedule. Of course, nobody ever answers the phone there, so I left a message.

B found a place for me to go to for help.  I called and have my first appointment on the 15th.  Also called to get my chest x-ray and abdominal ultrasound appointments changed and those are for the 16th. I get to see B two days next week. 💚💜

Made pork chops for dinner.  I cut up carrots, celery and onions, added it together and baked it.  Made asparagus and rice as sides.  Didn't have much of an appetite, so I only ate a little bit.

Talked to D for a bit and Mama. Been just chilling in bed.  Mentally, I have been feeling a bit off.

He hasn't spoken a word to me since last night.  And, I am okay with that.

The Daily #2.5

Read the previous post, The Daily #2.

While I understand that I have taken a few steps back on this path, I will catch up and surpass any expectations and move mountains. - Me

The Daily #2

FUCK MY LIFE!!!

As I am clearly not a psychiatrist, I can not diagnose myself, but, I do believe that my depression runs deeper than the average. For the first time in awhile, I logged onto my online banking.  The reason I had done so is because we went to the bank for me to take out my share of the mortgage and for the life of me I could NOT remember my debit card pin. After logging on, I noticed that I had spent the money. It.is.gone.  How? Where?  I wasn't hacked. It was all me. I know I purchased items for Christmas, but, the rest is gone.

This is not the first time this has happened.  This is actually the second. And I do not remember spending it as I have nothing to show for it. I went into his room(yes, we sleep in different rooms) and with tears streaming down my face, broke the news to him.  He didn't look at me, he didn't say a word to me.  I knew.

I came back into my room and called B.  After my doctor appointment, we are going to call around and see if I can get an appointment.  Clearly I need help.  I turned off my light, pulled my hoodie up over my head and just had a never-ending sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I asked myself "what is wrong with me?"

*sigh*

After a few hours, I went downstairs to get a pudding and came back up.  He was on his way up to bed.  He came in my room and stood at the foot of the bed. Turning on the flashlight on my phone, I faced it towards him.  He ripped me a new asshole.  He reminded me that this is the second time this has happened, I am taking advantage of his kindness, that he feels like he is living with his sister, as we don't have a sexual relationship.  If I don't come up with the money by next month, he said I will be paying $100 more to live here, and if I don't, then I need to move out.  He said more words, but, that was the gist of his one way conversation.

I began to sink into dark thoughts...again.  Those little fuckers need to be squashed.  Asap!!

This is a man that I have been dating for nearly two years.  Prior to us dating, I told him of all my medical bullshit and my mental health. I even told him that I spent three days in the "looney bin" as I call it. I sent him many links about CVS, adrenal failure, chronic pain.  He never read any of it.

He can be the biggest sweetheart and the biggest dick.  Like, the dick of all dicks.

We've known each other since high school.  He told me that he was in love with me back then, but never told me.  My theory is that he was in love with me, the 18 year old, not the person I am today.  Because if you REALLY loved someone, you would accept everything about them, the good and the bad.  You would have their back, through thick and thin.

But, that's not the case.  I am not 18 anymore.  I am 44.  I have lived life man.  More than 20 years of that was shit.  That was hardcore depression, agoraphobia, divorce, therapy for years, cutting, several moves, two brain tumors(benign)/surgeries, laying in a bed for four years with daily chronic headaches, four years of being a guinea pig, panic/anxiety disorder, occipital nerve stimulator implant, death of my beloved dog, witnessed the aftermath of a family members suicide, PTSD, Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, two D&C's, ablation and more shit I am probably forgetting.

And YOU, a man who once proclaimed his love for me(almost two years ago) has the audacity to say that I either pay up or move out.   Guess what buddy, I know my own self worth, so....

Fear

A song that is often on repeat. It's a great reminder to "Get back up"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3b0-i1T8Hk

Short and simple post.

Thank you, BD for the reminder.

Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
Get back up
Get up

The Daily #1

Thinking about blogging on the daily.  Whatever I am thinking or feeling, just to type it into words might help.  Who the hell knows at this point.

Still having trouble sleeping.  Since the hardcore weather has set in, my body is on fire.  My biggest fear is using up my CBD oil as I know once it is gone, it is gone.  I can't afford to be buying it.  Since his job position changed at the beginning of the year, he will no longer be making bonus.  That is money that we will be missing out on each month.  My doctor does give me dilaudid(only a few at a time) but I don't want to get "hooked" on them. Highly doubt that would happen. I only have one left from the last time she gave them to me.  

Today I have been incredibly nauseous.  I just took my Zofran and hope that kicks in quickly. It's never ending.  It's always something.  Being chronically ill can suck my dick!

Yesterday I received some disheartening news.  My insurance denied my claim to have my upper teeth removed.  I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall.  The place that I wanted to go to for therapy is booked solid.  Bec did say she talked to management and explained my disease and situation, so fingers crossed on that one.

I managed to do the dishes, fold a load of laundry and do another load.  My body is done.  I am done. I told him I am not doing anymore today. Ya know, god forbid I get any help around here.

Trying to stay positive through it all.

Here We Go...

Back story to this blog post.  I had written this on December 19th, 2017. I was sick and vulnerable.

Here we go...

I'm not one who shares personal stuff on FB and I am not looking for sympathy. You all know that I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I went to the doctor on the 7th for my 3 month check up. I lost more weight. I am now down to 133 lbs. I thought maybe, just maybe I had gained a few, but, deep down inside, I knew. I knew because my face is a bit sunken in, my collar bones protrude more than they did, my spine and ribs have no "cushion".

I am having more bad days than good. I had to deactivate my main FB page after the election. It all became too much. The hate filled posts really got to me. I used to be able to scroll on by, until scrolling on by no longer became an option. I was sinking deeper and deeper into a jet black hole. The hate filled posts, the chronic pain and CVS all became too much for me to bear. My plate of shit exploded and I found myself depressed. Really depressed. I sat up late at night and began to ask myself why am I even here. What was the point of continuing to fight this bitch of a disease. My mind would race, nonstop, as if 2,872 taps were open at all times.

I could not get the hamster off the fucking wheel! I was feeling anger, rage and sadness as the life I once knew so many moons ago, was taken away from me, and living as a chronically ill human was a tough pill to swallow. I am NOT living, I AM existing. I sat H down and told him that I am battling depression. To utter those words was like a knife to the heart. It is not something I wanted to admit, as I fought so fucking hard to change my life for the better and become a more positive person. But, I kept slipping further and further into the darkness. So, at my doctor appointment, I told her everything, and we are working on a plan that will best suit my needs. A few weeks ago at mediation, I saw my friend Matt and asked him if he saw anyone around me. I did not give him any details. He said he saw a grandmother. I asked for him to describe her, which he did. I knew instantly who he was talking about.

He said "she knows that you are going through a tough time right now and she has her arm, wrapped around yours and she said everything will be alright" And, I lost it. I bawled my eyes out. The person he described was my Nan. My Dad's mother. Never in a million years would I have thought it would be her, holding onto me, giving me the strength that I needed. Thank you again, Matt for that reading. You will never know how much hope you gave me that night. Thank you, Nan, for being by my side. I still need you, so don't you dare leave me. To my healthy friends, I'd like to say, do NOT ever take life for granted. Go out there and take life by the balls and make the most out of it. To my fellow spoonies, I understand. Sending you gentle hugs and healing vibes. I love you all so very much. Don't worry about me...Nan got me. And she is right, I WILL be okay!!